I hate to admit it but I used to be a perfectionist. I wore that title like a badge of honor which pushed me to always do my best, making me very successful. However, one can only do that for so long until it catches up with you…and boy has it really caught up with me.
My negative self talk was a great motivator for me for so many years. It fiercely propelled me forward, fueled my drive and I had the results to show for it in all aspects of my life – professionally, financially, familially, physically and somewhat (operative word here) spiritually. What I did not realize was the more I successfully pushed myself with this destructive mind-chatter, the more I chipped away at the confident, powerful foundation of me which began to gradually crumble and erode away. To be honest with you, from a very young age, my foundation had already begun to crack from my parents divorce and, as I moved into grade school and high school, a trust that was severely shattered by close family and friends. As I rounded my twenties and moved on my own to San Diego (which was a huge deal since I was such a mama’s girl from the cold suburbs of Chicago), I graduated from college with a new sense of bravado which filled some gaps and slapped a fresh coat of paint on to my unstable exterior. As I moved into my thirties and forties, my life’s successes – married a wonderful man, had an amazing son, strengthened family ties, successful corporate career, spiritually matured – became stronger motivators for me, helping me to rebuild my foundation and love my perfectly imperfect self.
But, as I have newly entered my fifites, that unquenchable thirst to grow myself and desire to do something more meaningful with my life is stronger than ever. So, because I realized my golden buddah was choking the life out of me (didn’t realize that was what it was until MKMMA), rather than dip my toe into the water of entrepreneurship, I decide to take a cannonball leap into the world of business ownership, leading and influencing myself and others which lit a roaring fire under my perfectionist-negative-self-talk old blueprint. However, this time, rather than propelling me forward…it’s paralyzing me.
Thank goodness I am a seeker, always wanting to grow and become a better me…that is the only way I found MKMMA and MKMMA found me. So, as I do my daily readings, visualizations, affirmations, sits and write my blog, it helps me take my crazy, scattered, negative, disjointed and disconnected world within and make me whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy! And, as the weeks unfold, I am more-often-than-not successful at reaching this calm and peaceful place…how long I can stay there…well, that needs some work.
Progress, not perfection.